THE ONION: 2” x 2” Vegetarian Section Granted On Backyard Grill
MCSWEENEY'S: By Day I'm An Omelet Chef, But By Night, I'm An Omelet Chef At Another Place. -
It’s no coincidence I’m a Gemini. The cosmic twins inside me, so restless and impish, craving such disparate adventures, never feel content making omelets at just one place. Living with this duality helps me to understand those struggling with split personalities, although I don’t have the luxury of taking medication like they do because either way I’ll still have jobs at two different omelet places.
THE NEW YORKER: ESSENTIAL ADVICE ON YOUR LENGTHY UNEMPLOYMENT
PRACTICE YOUR INTERVIEW SKILLS
Interviewing is like riding a bike. A tandem bike with some guy named Howard sitting behind you asking one soul-crushing question after another. As annoying as Howard’s questions are, you’re too out of practice to even answer them. Try setting up a mock interview with a friend to work through answers to some likely questions, such as, “If you’re hired here, do you imagine that you’ll always sweat this much?”
THE NEW YORKER: Essential Advice On Your Lengthy Unemployment -
FRESHEN UP YOUR WARDROBE
As you read this, chances are you’re wearing a sweat suit with spaghetti sauce on one, if not both, of the sleeves. It’s time to get out of your comfort zone and treat yourself to a new outfit or two. You may be surprised at how much confidence you’ll gain just by dressing better. And how much additional confidence you’ll gain by deciding to eat with utensils again.
MCSWEENEY’S: JAMES JOYCE ORDERS A SHAMROCK SHAKE
THE ONION: Next Episode Of 'Girls' To Feature Lena Dunham Shitting Herself During Gyno Exam While Eating A Burrito
THE NEW YORKER: THE SCIENCE OF DAYDREAMS
Daydreaming serves an incredibly important purpose for those who are incarcerated in prisons or who work at T.G.I. Friday’s. It allows them to escape, so to speak, and imagine a life with better uniforms.
THE NEW YORKER: The Science of Daydreams -
Physiologically speaking, you’re neither asleep nor awake during a daydream but, rather, in a peculiar in-between state where your thoughts are lucid but you’re still at serious risk of drooling. Psychoanalysts often refer to this state as La-La Land when their vocabularies aren’t great. Freud, in fact, found daydreams to be fascinating glimpses into the brain’s ability to depart from the drudgery of writing an Oedipus essay for a quick little horseback ride with a braless Greta Garbo.
Happy New Year's Resolutions! -
“It’s important not to let one little slip up send you into a tailspin. Too often, one donut leads to another donut and another, and the next thing you know you’re making your own donuts and opening a wildly successful international donut franchise. And guess who’s suddenly too overweight to be in their own TV commercials?”
Ridiculous New Year’s Resolutions: This Is the Year! : The New Yorker
THE NEW YORKER: This Is The Year -
“The more specific you are about your resolution, the better your chance of sticking with it. Don’t just say, “I want to lose weight.” Say, “When my arm jiggles, I want it to look less like a pelican’s throat-pouch choking down a bass.”
MCSWEENEY'S: The Twelve Days of Christmas -
“On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two turtle doves. Wow, she’s really into the avian theme this year. Um, thank you? I guess I’ll just put them in the kitchen with the partridge and the pear tree, which suddenly seems a lot bigger than it did yesterday.”
McSweeney’s: The Twelve Days of Christmas.
“On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two turtle doves. Wow, she’s really into the avian theme this year. Um, thank you?”
The Official Decorative Gourd Season Mug Now Available at the McSweeney’s Store.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Mcsweeney's: Haunted Hotel Ghosts Recount Their Most Disturbing Guest Stories. -
“I was resting quite comfortably upon the divan inside the very chamber where I perished a century earlier, when a weary male traveler checked in, placed his valise down and took to ravenously pleasuring himself, two, perhaps two-and-a-half times, before polishing off a red tube of snack crisps and succumbing to immediate slumber. A ghoulish spectacle that inspired me to regurgitate a bit in my dead mouth.”
— The ghost of Ezra Willis, Buxton Inn, Granville, OH