MCSWEENEY'S: The Ultimate Guide to Writing Better... →
“Beware of muses who promise unrealistic timelines for your projects or who wear wizard clothes. When honing in on a promising new muse, also be on the lookout for other writers attempting to swoop in and muse-block you.”
MCSWEENEY'S: James Joyce Orders a Shamrock Shake. →
“Dublin moans ‘neath the merciless weight of noontide hunger, a gnawing in the bellies of man, a thirst burning in their barren gullets, while I, alone, must navigate the further indignity of an ill-scheduled 1 PM meeting, looming before me like the trained bow of Artemis.”
VICE MAGAZINE: Seven Ways to Put the Heat Back in... →
“Drive to a beautiful scenic overlook along a mountain road. Get out and find a nice, older couple to take a picture of you. When they look at the screen of your camera, they’ll see an earlier picture you took of yourself masturbating. When they look up, you’ll actually be masturbating. A healthy mix of mountain air and exhibitionism can really do the trick.”
MCSWEENEY'S: Who's Your Ear Nose & Throat Doctor? →
“You know what that certificate on the wall means? Not the one that says MAYOR OF LARYNXTOWN, the other one, from the college. It means that I can flush your earwax with one hand tied behind my back. That I can radiate your thyroid with a blindfold on. That I can double-honk your deviated septum before you have time to hop up on the examination table. Don’t fucking test me. You will get...
EATING WELL MAGAZINE: Odes to the Things I Can No... →
“Goodbye, mysterious vending-machine baked good. I will never forget your number, E5, but I must forget you. I must forget the throat-burning sweetness of your frosting, and the faded mystery of your expiration date. While I may still stop by your machine on occasion, it will be only to press my hand against the glass in a gesture of longing. If you had a hand, I know you’d do the...
MCSWEENEY'S: Welcome to Paradise. →
“You’ve made a very wise decision in choosing our all-inclusive resort, a secluded tropical oasis where luxury meets opulence, opulence meets extravagance, extravagance meets excessiveness, excessiveness meets recklessness, recklessness meets madness and madness meets a passing wave of shame.”
MCSWEENEY'S: Coat Drive. →
“Remember, this isn’t just about reaching into your closets, it’s about reaching into your hearts and finding me something that will go with these new burgundy linen pants, because so far I’m completely striking out. I know what you’re thinking: If I’ve got money for new burgundy linen pants, why can’t I get my own coat? Because I didn’t buy these pants, I acquired them during the Pant Drive...
This is an animated short film I made last year about an alien attack. Specifically the kind of alien attack that makes you feel terrible about yourself. It was an official selection at the Austin Film Festival in 2010.
MCSWEENEY'S: My Self-Portrait. →
“You’ve probably noticed that I’m not alone on the horse. There’s a female nymph on either side of me. Are we searching for a mossy knoll to enjoy a mythological three-way? I don’t know the answer to that but I imagine it’s a possibility judging by the way they’re looking at me.”
PASTE MAGAZINE: Neil Diamond Reviews 16 Hot New... →
“Nicki, Nicki, Nicki. Your album is nothing short of an explicit delight, and old Neil is no stranger to nasty lyrics—let’s just say the record execs in the ’80s weren’t too keen on the original title of my E.T.-inspired classic, “Turn on Your Heartlight, Bitch.” Still, I must tell you that I became so flustered during your song “Lil’ Freak” that I found it necessary to change out of my...
THE PARIS REVIEW DAILY: Searching for me: A modern... →
“I mounted my horse and rode like the wind, due west with newfound purpose. I was close, the silhouette of Armadillo rose in the distance. I slowed my horse to a trot—the town was quiet, small, worn. The sun blazed in Armadillo and was just moments from rising in Brooklyn.”
MCSWEENEY'S: It's Naked Time. →
“You want to see what thirty-five minutes of elliptical machine a month can do to a man’s body? You’re about to. You want to cradle me in your capable arms and tell me everything’s going to be okay? That can also be arranged.”
MCSWEENEY'S: We are the Family in the Photo that... →
“Do you like our sweaters? They’re shearling. That means they’re made from lambs. Specifically, lambs from the lamb farm we own. The same one where every summer we invite underprivileged kids to feel temporarily privileged. Does your family own a lamb farm and invite underprivileged kids there?”
MCSWEENEY'S: The 12 Days of Christmas. →
“On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two turtle doves. Wow, she’s really into the avian theme this year. Um, thank you? I guess I’ll just put them in the kitchen with the partridge and the pear tree, which suddenly seems a lot bigger than it did yesterday.”
THE MORNING NEWS: Home Schooled. →
“My parents added a lot of extra touches to ensure my experience was authentic. For instance, did they have to throw me a home prom? Of course not. Did the three of us dance our faces off that night? We really did.”
MCSWEENEY'S: It's Decorative Gourd Season,... →
“Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both...
MCSWEENEY'S: It's Weird to Think One Day I'll... →
“Looking at you in this light with the sun bouncing off your adorable freckles, it feels a bit strange to be wondering if I can extend the sky behind your head and torso so it looks like you’re not there. I’m pretty sure I can, although it might look a little creamy at the edges. I bet if I add some grain, no one will notice. But right now the only thing I’m noticing is how beautiful you...
COLLEGE HUMOR: Your last meal: a few... →
“Under entree #2, you requested that we set up a “crazy-assed Benihana-style grill.” While we appreciate you refocusing your requests to edible items, and agree that this would in fact be a “fun-assed way to go out,” unfortunately, none of the prison staff are trained in the art of Teppanyaki-style cuisine. But you know what else is Japanese? Those little styrofoam cups of Ramen noodles,...
MCSWEENEY'S: I am poseidon! God of the Sea! I Also... →
“You may be surprised to know I’m considered a bit of a hothead in mythological circles. A few earthquakes, tidal waves and shipwrecks, and suddenly you’re labeled. It turns out I was simply craving the low-impact cardiovascular release of an activity such as this, not to mention the emotional release of trading my woolen frock for this Speedo. Talk about liberating.”
MCSWEENEY'S: Meth Lab Feng Shui. →
“Phosphine gas is a byproduct of the meth-cooking process and is highly lethal to inhale. Lethal smells are so not feng shui. A good idea is to counterbalance a lethal odor with a delicious one, like that of a Mango Splash Glade PlugIn.”